Dog Trouble

Dear Lutz,

My dog (let's call him Brent) loves to go for walks. It's rainy where I live, so he often gets soaking wet. After every walk, I have to spend at least a half-hour toweling him off. This is a stinky and unpleasant process for both of us. The other day, it got me thinking. I Scotchgard my shoes, my coat, my hats, all sorts of things. Can I Scotchgard my dog?

Signed,
Soggy

Dear Soggy,

Thank you for your excellent and seasonally appropriate question. My first gut response was “Why not?” In fact, if I had a laboratory and a dog, I probably would have tried it myself already. Good thing I didn’t, and instead resorted to my usual Ask Lutz methodology.

I understood the question alright. Toweling off a stinky rain- soaked dog is not a phenomenon I’m unfamiliar with. But I am not an expert on dogs or Scotchgard, so first I sought the counsel of a dog expert. My Mom. Our conversation went like this:

Lisa: Mom, can you Scotchgard a dog?
Mom: Of course not.
Lisa: Why not?
Mom: Because it’s got a lot of chemicals and it could be bad for the dog’s skin.
Lisa: Chemicals. I hadn’t thought about that.
Mom: Besides, I don’t think Scotchgard would adhere to the dog’s hair since it has oil in it.
Lisa: Thanks, talk to you later.

Just to be sure, I contacted the people at Scotchgard. This was their reply:

Dear Lisa,

Absolutely not. You cannot use ScotchGard on any animal.

Liane
3M Home Care Division

Thanks, Liane. So, there you have it, Soggy. The unequivocal answer is No. Absolutely not.

However, I feel obliged to point out that Scotchgard isn’t your only option for keeping a dog dry. I think you know where I’m going with this. Yes, doggy rain gear. The first time my Mom put a raincoat on one of our dogs--it was a Sherlock Holmes plaid number that clasped under his belly, kind of fancy--I thought she had gone mad. But when you remove that thing, the whole back of the dog is dry. Also, there are doggy rain boots that keep the feet dry and, if you live in a snowy place, keep that nasty salt off your dog’s paws.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m not the kind of person who dresses up my dog,” but you were the kind of person who wanted to spray harmful chemicals on him. So, really, you might want to reassess what kind of person you are.

However, since I have suggested rain gear to you, I should remind you that it’s a slippery slope from such practical clothing to, say, a smoking jacket, sweater-vest and bow tie, or disco jumpsuit. I approve of practical dogwear--not useless finery that your dog will no doubt find itchy, constricting, and perhaps humiliating.

I hope I have been some help to you, Soggy, in the rain-soaked-dog matter. But now I’d like to mention one other little matter that has been nagging at me.

In your letter you say, “My dog (let’s call him Brent).” Does your dog not have a real name? Is he imaginary? If so, walking him might not be such a great idea. Are you ashamed of your dog’s name?

If hiding your dog’s name is about maintaining anonymity, I can understand that. But you signed your name “Soggy.” Let’s say your dog’s name is Skipper--there’s no way anyone could track you down with just those two fragments of information. Once again, Ask Lutz is stumped. And so I end this answer with a question: Why give your dog a pseudonym?

I welcome responses from Soggy or any other reader who has a theory on the matter.

Until next year.

Best wishes,

Lisa

Drop Dead?

Dear Readers,

I’ve been low on meaty questions lately, so I thought I’d explore something I found on my author page at Amazon. The news blog on my own author website also posts to this Amazon page, and I discovered that on the post referencing the return of Ask Lutz, there was a place where people could comment. It was there that I found this:

1 voter provided additional feedback.
Liked it? No
Feedback: Drop Dead

As a writer, I feel that it’s important to learn to accept criticism and use it constructively whenever possible. I decided to approach this brief comment as if it were sage words of advice from a wise old man. Let’s call him Sally.

Per my usual Ask Lutz methodology, I read the comment and then I read it again. Drop Dead. Hmmm. Well, certainly I can’t take it literally. Dropping Dead is simply out of the question. I should add it’s also unlikely, barring any freak accidents. Oh how I wish I could ask Sally what he meant.

"Drop Dead"?

Just two simple words, four letters each. Hey, maybe it’s a reminder for me to use more four-letter words in my books. Well, I’m all for that. Thanks, Sally! Then it occurred to me that “Drop Dead” might be an anagram, but all I could come up with was “Pod Dread” and “Add Roped.” I’m sorry. I simply don’t know how to use those suggestions constructively. I should mention that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an expert on anagrams.

Then I noticed that “Drop Dead” was an especially pithy comment and I decided that it was a reminder to be more pithy. And pith is always a good thing for a writer to keep mind. And so, in the interest of pith, I think I’ll end my meditation on “Drop Dead” right there. However, since the phrase is also alliterative, I feel that I should sign off in the same vein.

Love, Lisa

Only I’m not quite ready to end this post. There’s a saying that I’ve heard, “Nothing in life is free.” Well I’m here to tell you: Baloney. Ask Lutz is free! You write in asking for advice and I write you back, plain and simple. Everything is anonymous, and I never bill you. Maybe I never made that clear before. Consider it cleared up. Now, let’s keep the questions rolling in.

Speaking of questions, I have a stumper from a loyal reader. I read the question a number of times, but honestly, I got nothing for Tearfully. Therefore, I thought I’d post it and see if any of my readers have any wise words for our weepy friend. I would like to request, however, that none of those words include “Drop Dead” unless, after careful consideration, you sincerely consider death the only way out of his dilemma.

* * *

Onions?

Dear Lutz,

Before you chop an onion, it is an onion. Once you chop it, is it right to refer to it as onions? Or is it a chopped onion? If it is a chopped onion, why do people say, “add the onions,” even with recipes that call for a single onion?

Tearfully,
A cook

As always, feel free to comment, complain, or offer constructive criticism.

Here at Ask Lutz Central we wish you a happy holiday season.

Best wishes,
Lisa