Ask Somebody Else for a Change

Dear Readers,

Since I am currently writing under a deadline and will soon be departing for a lengthy book tour, I have less time to offer sage advice to my readers. Therefore, I have taken the liberty of recruiting replacement advice columnists in my absence. In fact, I am so confident of my replacements’ abilities that I fear you will no longer need me when I return.

But before I tell you about them, let me quickly discharge a couple of lingering questions that have been nibbling at my inbox.

Dear Lutz,

My cat Mort is about 13 years old. I take him to the vet once a year for his shot. I also worm him with the pills that the vet supplied me with.

Just lately, I have noticed some scabby patches on his body. I can't see them but I can feel them when stroking him. Also on the inside of his back legs, a lot of hair is missing.

He seems happy, but I am a bit worried. Can you please help me?

Kind regards,
Owner of Mort

Dear Owner of Mort,

Let me first compliment you on giving your cat such a delightful name.

Okay, down to business. I am not now nor have I ever been a veterinarian, so I do not feel confident in responding to your question beyond recommending that you ask your vet.

If you prefer asking a writer about your cat’s health, might I suggest the thriller author James Rollins (not his real name), who also happens to be a veterinarian. You might want to check out his books while you’re at it. Here’s his website. He provides contact info, so I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a question or two about your cat.

Best wishes,
Lisa

Here’s another reader with a pressing question:

i (and by "i" i mean the wife) bought a 4 lb. jug of jelly bellys from costco. it contains upwards of a gazillion of the delictable little gems. but the label contains this information: "49 flavors." wassup with that? they couldn't come up with one more flavor to make it an even 50? i guess i have the same related issue with heinz ketchup. why only 57 varieties? why not 55 or 60? and baskin-robbins' 31 flavors? come on. it's not like some other major ice cream purveyor heavily advertises 30 flavors, and BR has to one-up that company to gain a competitive edge in the marketplace. nice clean numbers is what i'm after.

Dear I,

Thank you for your question. Honestly, I’m surprised that a person who refuses to capitalize anything would get all that worked up about a few odd numbers here and there.

I don’t feel like I can help you, but a good doctor might. If you feel that I have failed you, keep reading. Maybe one of my temporary replacements can help you. Or you could try James Rollins.

So long for now,
Lisa

* * *

Below are brief bios of the interim Ask Lutz advice team. Feel free to ask either of these gentlemen any questions that might be on your mind.

You can Ask Dave, who is (according to Dave, not me) my “life coach and personal trainer.” He’s also an editor. You know the kind—the brutal, occasionally rude, makes-fun-of-your-use-of-commas-and-misspelling-of-French-words kind. So if you have any grammar or linguistic questions, he’s your man. Also, his hobby is sports handicapping, so I guess if you have a sports-related question, he might be the one to ask. Although he did not have a good football season. I’m sure he knows other things, too, but I definitely wouldn’t ask him any cooking questions.

Your other choice is to Ask Jay. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that Jay is my cousin. Here’s the bio Jay provided:

By night, Jay Fienberg is a composer and musician, founding member of the Ear Reverends, and svengali of the HereJam netlabel. In the previous millennium, important people used to yell into things with wires and say, "Get me Encyclopedia Fienberg!" Now, it's mostly just cats walking around asking, "I can has Wikipedia Fienberg?" But Jay likes cats, so it's all good.

If you find the business with the cat confusing, so do I. Do me a favor. Don’t ask Jay any cat questions.

Instructions: Just send an email, as usual, to asklutz@gmail.com. In the Subject line, mention whether you’re asking Jay or Dave.

Good luck to all of you, and have no fear: I’ll be checking in to make sure neither of my guest columnists is leading you down the path of destruction. But I have a feeling you’ll be in good hands.

Best,
Lisa