Isn't That a Dodo in Your Pants, or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Dear Jay-Lutz,

Why would someone try to smuggle Dubaian pigeons into Australia? Does Australia not have pigeons, or is there something special about Dubaian pigeons?

Tweets J9

Dear Tweets J9,

Thanks for sending this request my way—this is a very hot topic right now! "Taken from the headlines!"

Now, you've asked general questions about smuggling pigeons into Australia. And, I think I can answer these with general answers.

But, since I've been recruited here to give unprofessional advice, I have to assume that you are asking me this because you have a bigger issue—one for which you need advice—actual bona fide unprofessional advice.

So, I am going to go out on a limb, and read between the lines of your request:

Someone is trying to get you to smuggle pigeons.

And, not only that, based on the recent news that a guy actually tried to smuggle pigeons in his pants, I am going to completely identify your issue:

Someone is trying to get you to smuggle pigeons in your pants!

I know that my stating this issue so directly may make you feel uncomfortable. It may make you feel like you are on a flimsy pile of sticks and other debris, placed on a ledge. But, I know you've contacted me for advice, and not just answers—so I must give you both, whatever the potential cost to my unprofessional career.

So, first with the answers to your questions—let's go over the easy one:

Does Australia not have pigeons?

OK, I have to stop you right there: you're asking a "negative question." According to Wikipedia, negative questions "are interrogative sentences which contain negation in their phrasing, such as 'Shouldn't you be working?'". (That reminds me, I should be working—I'll finish this later.)

(OK, I'm back.)

A negative question "can be confusing, since it is sometimes unclear whether the answer should be the opposite of the answer to the non-negated question." (Also, apparently "the Japanese language avoids this ambiguity"—I'll ask Lutz if she wouldn't like to find someone who speaks Japanese to answer requests sent in Japanese. Honestly though, I wonder how Lisa is able to offer advice without detours like these?)

Anyway, fortunately in this case, I studied mathematical logic at UC Santa Cruz and also know how to write computer programs. So, I created a logic engine that can translate your question into the positive, so that I can answer it more simply. Here are the results:

Does Australia have pigeons?

Yes. Australia does have pigeons. They have a lot of them too. In North West Australia in particular, the Chestnut-quilled Rock-pigeon, Partridge Pigeon and White-quilled Rock-pigeon are all endemic (that means unique to the area). Also, because pigeons and doves are just different names for the same family of bird, we could also add in the Black-banded Fruit-dove as another yet example of endemic pigeon in North West Australia.

Altogether, there are upwards of 30 different variety of pigeons in Australia.

Now, it's important to understand that, in Australia, there are several types of pigeons that are not native. These introduced, or alien pigeons are not really welcome in Australia—alien invaders are known to cause millions of (Australian) dollars in damage each year, and contribute to the extinction of native species.

So, for example, the invasive Rock Pigeon is looked upon as a full-blown pest—a so called "rat with wings." People are very concerned, in part, because it has "acidic faeces" that creates "a mess."

Thus, it is in fact legal to hunt down and kill all alien pigeons in Australia.

Of course, the native varieties of pigeons and doves are totally protected. So if you know anyone who's thinking about hunting pigeons in Australia, make sure they can tell the difference between natives like the aforementioned Black-banded Fruit-dove (don't shoot) and alien invaders like the Spotted Dove (kill on sight). Note: before you shoot anything, be sure to get the most up-to-date information by contacting your local hunting authority, like the Game Council NSW.


So, I think this provides some useful background to answer another of your questions:

Why would someone try to smuggle Dubaian pigeons into Australia?

Since any non-native pigeon in Australia is going to be considered an alien invader, they aren't going to be allowed to just walk across the border all by themselves. This, I think, explains why someone might need to smuggle the pigeons in the country.


Your final question requires a bit more speculation:

Is there something special about Dubaian pigeons?

In the recent and famous case of a guy actually trying to smuggle pigeons in his pants into Australia, we know that said guy boarded a flight from Dubai. What we don't know for sure is if the pigeons themselves were from Dubai, or if they had been imported (or, maybe, smuggled?) into Dubai before those final legs of their journey.

We therefore have the following possibilities:

• the pigeons were native to Dubai


• the pigeons were non-native to Dubai, but had been living there for a while—perhaps under assumed identities, perhaps legitimately


• the pigeons were non-native to Dubai, and were just passing through—possibly inside a guy's pants

But, let's assume that these were native pigeons to Dubai, and return to your question: is there something special about Dubaian pigeons?

First of all, no one calls any pigeon a "Dubaian Pigeon," at least not to their face. The nine species of pigeons in and around Dubai are called: Rock Pigeon, Stock Pigeon, Common Wood-Pigeon, Eurasian Turtle-Dove, Oriental Turtle-Dove, Eurasian Collared-Dove, Red Collared-Dove, Laughing Dove and Namaqua Dove.

From the names alone, you can tell that some of these pigeons are special. I mean, you know that the Laughing Dove has got to be a fun bird.



But, beyond all this, there is yet one more possibility: the smuggled pigeons were special not because of their species, but because they were highly trained racing pigeons. There is, in fact, a famous Dubai Racing Pigeon Club. And, there are, in fact, several pigeon racing organizations in Australia, such as the Central Cumberland Racing Pigeon Federation and Qld Racing Pigeon Federation Inc.

Coincidence? Hm. . . Maybe someone thought that they could sneak a racing pigeon from Dubai into a local Australian race, and get away with it?

Now, all of the information I have given to this point is the "official story" from "the man" (Wikipedia), and even if it hides the real truth, it's probably still essential context for my simple advice to you: don't try to smuggle pigeons in your pants—you'll trip-up and get caught.

But, now, I am afraid I must blow your mind, and reveal the real truth: the person trying to convince you to smuggle pigeons in your pants is part of a vast, interplanetary conspiracy. At all costs, GET AWAY FROM THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Being that this is a vast conspiracy, I can safely reveal only some clues about its nature and extent. Obviously, it involves alien pigeons, people who are in league with the alien pigeons, and other people trying to stop them. It also involves pants—very specifically, convincing people to put things in their pants.

So, the alien pigeons that are put in people's pants is but one facet of this conspiracy. There are also pants for pigeons, for example.

But, we know that, as early as the 1950s, there was a concerted move within the counterculture to get the word out about this conspiracy. I first heard mention of it when I was at UC Santa Cruz, from math professor Tom Lehrer, who famously tried to get the message out in this song:



In the early 1970s, Monty Python tried to spread the news via broadcast TV using an innovative approach that could be understood across all languages:



But, by the 1980s, it was like the empire strikes back, and blatant "in the pants" propaganda like the following was being widely disseminated:



This conspiracy is so vast, that it even targets children—attempting to indoctrinate them with pro-alien-pigeon messages.

In the 1970s, some of the fight against alien pigeons made its way onto Sesame Street, as seen in this sketch:




But, by the 1980s, children were being spoon fed savvy pro-pigeon propaganda couched in sugary songs and colorful animation.




Today, if you look closely at the media, you will find that there is a tit-for-tat propaganda battle between the different factions.

One day, someone like Bruce Springsteen will globally broadcast a subliminal pigeon-in-the pants message:




Then, another day, someone like Pigeon John will try to expose the truth:



On the leading edge of the battle are The Pigeon Detectives, an independent group from Leeds that are trying to unravel this conspiracy once and for all. They make this clear in "I Found Out":



And, finally, I must emphasize: this is a vast conspiracy. All should be greatly concerned. Absolutely do not allow anyone to convince you to put pigeons in your pants. You really must ask yourself: is there anything they won't do to get what they want?

Be safe!
Jay
Interim Ask Lutz Advice Team