Noble Wench

Dear Whomever Is Answering Questions Now,
(Lisa, for the record)

My sister is marrying a loser this weekend. Besides that, the wedding has a Renaissance theme and we bridesmaids have to wear the ugliest dresses ever made. At a Renaissance-themed wedding in KENTUCKY. On a lake. Memorial Day weekend, with the drunks out full force, I am certain.

Now, if it was just the ugly dress or just the idiot groom, I could probably deal. But tell me, how am I supposed to fake-smile my way through pictures when I look like a moron AND my sister is marrying a loser who hasn't had a job in about a year and got fired from Wal-Mart and the job he had before that? And got kicked of the Army? Also, his mom (my sister's future mother-in-law) was recently arrested for shoplifting. THIS is what she is choosing to marry into. I am pretty sure she was adopted.

Signed,
Noble Wench
(the official name of the dress we had to buy on EBay)

Dearest Noble Wench,

Forgive me, young lass. Hadst thou written weeks in advance, we might have conjured a plan so brilliant as to foil this marriage of two foolish minds. But, alas, a fortnight hath passed and I must assume that your sister hath wedded her betrothed and didst not come to her senses, as most fair maiden do not.

Okay, that was exhausting. In regular English: So your sister married the loser, assuming there was no last-minute intervention in the spirit of The Graduate.

Congratulations!

My first approach to any problem that I can’t do anything about is The Avoidance Method™. Is it possible to pretend your sister never got married, and that the entire ordeal was some mad dream you had? Try that for a week or two and see what happens.

Now let’s pretend that a week or two has passed and you have found no consolation through my avoidance method. I’m sorry to hear that. It almost always works for me. That said, there are rare occasions when TAM ™ does not do the trick, and that is when I put on my rose-colored glasses.

I’m a firm believer that one can usually shove any situation into a more flattering light. For instance, it seems unlikely that you’ll ever have to wear a Noble Wench dress again (but please keep it around for costume parties). Also, it seems unlikely you’ll have to attend another Renaissance-themed wedding. Although those odds increase dramatically if you make a habit of attending Renaissance fairs. Here’s a piece of advice: Don’t make it a habit.

Now, as I reread your letter, all I see is positive. For instance, your sister has married a loser, which means that no matter who you marry or have married, he’s probably better. You say your brother-in-law lost his job at Wal-Mart. I’m not sure I see a downside. He was kicked out of the army, you say. Do you realize how hard it is to get kicked out of the army? I am reminded of Klinger on MASH. If a dress was involved, then your B-I-L might be way more fun than you think. As for the shoplifting in-law, call me psychic, but I see some nice Christmas presents in your future (not that we approve of shoplifting here at Ask Lutz Central).

Finally, with a whole branch of the family getting up to no good, think of all the trouble you could get into and remain under the radar. Honestly, I’m starting to envy you.

Remember, as much as we may want to at times, we can’t trade in family members like used cars. Maybe all they need is a paint job or a hosing down. Sometimes problems are as simple as washing away the dirt to see what’s beneath the surface, or just donning your rose-colored glasses—or at least those sunglasses they give you after you’ve had your eyes dilated.

I hope I have helped you see the light or avoid it altogether, Noble Wench. If I have failed you, please file an official complaint with Dave.

Thy humble servant,
Lisa