I know I'm not supposed to ask you cooking questions, but I'm a rule-breaker. Let's say you're cooking a turkey. Would you err on the side of safety and eat it dry or would you risk salmonella poisoning for yourself and guests just to eat a moist turkey?
Signed, Curious Cook in Connecticut
Dear Curious,
Dry turkey isn’t worth eating. It’s like a couch covered in protective plastic. Do you want to be one of those people—"I bought this nice couch, but I’m so driven by fear that I am willing to ruin its comfort and appearance. Plus, what if hoodlums come over biting into their moist turkey and the juices squirt everywhere?”
As a resident of the Insurance State, you surely understand the absurdity of this position. It’s an example of Reverse Black Swan Syndrome (RBSS), in which fear of an extremely unlikely event leads you to obviate the whole reason you considered taking a risk in the first place.
A simple technique called “Have I Ever” can help you overcome RBSS. When in doubt, ask yourself, “Have I ever suffered from salmonella?” (or “Have I ever died in a car accident?”—you get the idea). If the answer is no, go for it. My rule is, after I’ve had salmonella once, no more moist turkey for me.
Anthropologically, this is in keeping with our caveman roots. Cavemen got to enjoy a lot of things because they weren’t made overly cautious by second-hand information. Think of all the delicious berries! Mog not sick. Mog love life.
To take a more modern perspective, consider the healthcare industry, a critical source of employment in today’s otherwise dismal economy. Do you think hospitals could survive if everyone insisted on dry turkey and adequate safety equipment? Try telling the nurse, a single mother of three, that you’re sorry she lost her job, but pass the gravy.
Alternatively, substitute a dish that always has plenty of moisture, like soup.
Why would someone try to smuggle Dubaian pigeons into Australia? Does Australia not have pigeons, or is there something special about Dubaian pigeons?
Tweets J9
Dear Tweets J9,
Thanks for sending this request my way—this is a very hot topic right now! "Taken from the headlines!"
Now, you've asked general questions about smuggling pigeons into Australia. And, I think I can answer these with general answers.
But, since I've been recruited here to give unprofessional advice, I have to assume that you are asking me this because you have a bigger issue—one for which you need advice—actual bona fide unprofessional advice.
So, I am going to go out on a limb, and read between the lines of your request:
Someone is trying to get you to smuggle pigeons in your pants!
I know that my stating this issue so directly may make you feel uncomfortable. It may make you feel like you are on a flimsy pile of sticks and other debris, placed on a ledge. But, I know you've contacted me for advice, and not just answers—so I must give you both, whatever the potential cost to my unprofessional career.
So, first with the answers to your questions—let's go over the easy one:
Does Australia not have pigeons?
OK, I have to stop you right there: you're asking a "negative question." According to Wikipedia, negative questions "are interrogative sentences which contain negation in their phrasing, such as 'Shouldn't you be working?'". (That reminds me, I should be working—I'll finish this later.)
(OK, I'm back.)
A negative question "can be confusing, since it is sometimes unclear whether the answer should be the opposite of the answer to the non-negated question." (Also, apparently "the Japanese language avoids this ambiguity"—I'll ask Lutz if she wouldn't like to find someone who speaks Japanese to answer requests sent in Japanese. Honestly though, I wonder how Lisa is able to offer advice without detours like these?)
Anyway, fortunately in this case, I studied mathematical logic at UC Santa Cruz and also know how to write computer programs. So, I created a logic engine that can translate your question into the positive, so that I can answer it more simply. Here are the results:
Does Australia have pigeons?
Yes. Australia does have pigeons. They have a lot of them too. In North West Australia in particular, the Chestnut-quilled Rock-pigeon, Partridge Pigeon and White-quilled Rock-pigeon are all endemic (that means unique to the area). Also, because pigeons and doves are just different names for the same family of bird, we could also add in the Black-banded Fruit-dove as another yet example of endemic pigeon in North West Australia.
Now, it's important to understand that, in Australia, there are several types of pigeons that are not native. These introduced, or alien pigeons are not really welcome in Australia—alien invaders are known to cause millions of (Australian) dollars in damage each year, and contribute to the extinction of native species.
So, for example, the invasive Rock Pigeon is looked upon as a full-blown pest—a so called "rat with wings." People are very concerned, in part, because it has "acidic faeces" that creates "a mess."
Thus, it is in fact legal to hunt down and kill all alien pigeons in Australia.
Of course, the native varieties of pigeons and doves are totally protected. So if you know anyone who's thinking about hunting pigeons in Australia, make sure they can tell the difference between natives like the aforementioned Black-banded Fruit-dove (don't shoot) and alien invaders like the Spotted Dove (kill on sight). Note: before you shoot anything, be sure to get the most up-to-date information by contacting your local hunting authority, like the Game Council NSW.
So, I think this provides some useful background to answer another of your questions:
Why would someone try to smuggle Dubaian pigeons into Australia?
Since any non-native pigeon in Australia is going to be considered an alien invader, they aren't going to be allowed to just walk across the border all by themselves. This, I think, explains why someone might need to smuggle the pigeons in the country.
Your final question requires a bit more speculation:
Is there something special about Dubaian pigeons?
In the recent and famous case of a guy actually trying to smuggle pigeons in his pants into Australia, we know that said guy boarded a flight from Dubai. What we don't know for sure is if the pigeons themselves were from Dubai, or if they had been imported (or, maybe, smuggled?) into Dubai before those final legs of their journey.
We therefore have the following possibilities:
the pigeons were native to Dubai
the pigeons were non-native to Dubai, but had been living there for a while—perhaps under assumed identities, perhaps legitimately
the pigeons were non-native to Dubai, and were just passing through—possibly inside a guy's pants
But, let's assume that these were native pigeons to Dubai, and return to your question: is there something special about Dubaian pigeons?
Coincidence? Hm. . . Maybe someone thought that they could sneak a racing pigeon from Dubai into a local Australian race, and get away with it?
Now, all of the information I have given to this point is the "official story" from "the man" (Wikipedia), and even if it hides the real truth, it's probably still essential context for my simple advice to you: don't try to smuggle pigeons in your pants—you'll trip-up and get caught.
But, now, I am afraid I must blow your mind, and reveal the real truth: the person trying to convince you to smuggle pigeons in your pants is part of a vast, interplanetary conspiracy. At all costs, GET AWAY FROM THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
Being that this is a vast conspiracy, I can safely reveal only some clues about its nature and extent. Obviously, it involves alien pigeons, people who are in league with the alien pigeons, and other people trying to stop them. It also involves pants—very specifically, convincing people to put things in their pants.
So, the alien pigeons that are put in people's pants is but one facet of this conspiracy. There are also pants for pigeons, for example.
But, we know that, as early as the 1950s, there was a concerted move within the counterculture to get the word out about this conspiracy. I first heard mention of it when I was at UC Santa Cruz, from math professor Tom Lehrer, who famously tried to get the message out in this song:
In the early 1970s, Monty Python tried to spread the news via broadcast TV using an innovative approach that could be understood across all languages:
But, by the 1980s, it was like the empire strikes back, and blatant "in the pants" propaganda like the following was being widely disseminated:
This conspiracy is so vast, that it even targets children—attempting to indoctrinate them with pro-alien-pigeon messages.
In the 1970s, some of the fight against alien pigeons made its way onto Sesame Street, as seen in this sketch:
But, by the 1980s, children were being spoon fed savvy pro-pigeon propaganda couched in sugary songs and colorful animation.
Today, if you look closely at the media, you will find that there is a tit-for-tat propaganda battle between the different factions.
One day, someone like Bruce Springsteen will globally broadcast a subliminal pigeon-in-the pants message:
Then, another day, someone like Pigeon John will try to expose the truth:
On the leading edge of the battle are The Pigeon Detectives, an independent group from Leeds that are trying to unravel this conspiracy once and for all. They make this clear in "I Found Out":
And, finally, I must emphasize: this is a vast conspiracy. All should be greatly concerned. Absolutely do not allow anyone to convince you to put pigeons in your pants. You really must ask yourself: is there anything they won't do to get what they want?
Since I am currently writing under a deadline and will soon be departing for a lengthy book tour, I have less time to offer sage advice to my readers. Therefore, I have taken the liberty of recruiting replacement advice columnists in my absence. In fact, I am so confident of my replacements’ abilities that I fear you will no longer need me when I return.
But before I tell you about them, let me quickly discharge a couple of lingering questions that have been nibbling at my inbox.
Dear Lutz,
My cat Mort is about 13 years old. I take him to the vet once a year for his shot. I also worm him with the pills that the vet supplied me with.
Just lately, I have noticed some scabby patches on his body. I can't see them but I can feel them when stroking him. Also on the inside of his back legs, a lot of hair is missing.
He seems happy, but I am a bit worried. Can you please help me?
Kind regards, Owner of Mort
Dear Owner of Mort,
Let me first compliment you on giving your cat such a delightful name.
Okay, down to business. I am not now nor have I ever been a veterinarian, so I do not feel confident in responding to your question beyond recommending that you ask your vet.
If you prefer asking a writer about your cat’s health, might I suggest the thriller author James Rollins (not his real name), who also happens to be a veterinarian. You might want to check out his books while you’re at it. Here’s his website. He provides contact info, so I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a question or two about your cat.
Best wishes, Lisa
Here’s another reader with a pressing question:
i (and by "i" i mean the wife) bought a 4 lb. jug of jelly bellys from costco. it contains upwards of a gazillion of the delictable little gems. but the label contains this information: "49 flavors." wassup with that? they couldn't come up with one more flavor to make it an even 50? i guess i have the same related issue with heinz ketchup. why only 57 varieties? why not 55 or 60? and baskin-robbins' 31 flavors? come on. it's not like some other major ice cream purveyor heavily advertises 30 flavors, and BR has to one-up that company to gain a competitive edge in the marketplace. nice clean numbers is what i'm after.
Dear I,
Thank you for your question. Honestly, I’m surprised that a person who refuses to capitalize anything would get all that worked up about a few odd numbers here and there.
I don’t feel like I can help you, but a good doctor might. If you feel that I have failed you, keep reading. Maybe one of my temporary replacements can help you. Or you could try James Rollins.
So long for now, Lisa
* * *
Below are brief bios of the interim Ask Lutz advice team. Feel free to ask either of these gentlemen any questions that might be on your mind.
You can Ask Dave, who is (according to Dave, not me) my “life coach and personal trainer.” He’s also an editor. You know the kind—the brutal, occasionally rude, makes-fun-of-your-use-of-commas-and-misspelling-of-French-words kind. So if you have any grammar or linguistic questions, he’s your man. Also, his hobby is sports handicapping, so I guess if you have a sports-related question, he might be the one to ask. Although he did not have a good football season. I’m sure he knows other things, too, but I definitely wouldn’t ask him any cooking questions.
Your other choice is to Ask Jay. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that Jay is my cousin. Here’s the bio Jay provided:
By night, Jay Fienberg is a composer and musician, founding member of the Ear Reverends, and svengali of the HereJam netlabel. In the previous millennium, important people used to yell into things with wires and say, "Get me Encyclopedia Fienberg!" Now, it's mostly just cats walking around asking, "I can has Wikipedia Fienberg?" But Jay likes cats, so it's all good.
If you find the business with the cat confusing, so do I. Do me a favor. Don’t ask Jay any cat questions.
Instructions: Just send an email, as usual, to asklutz@gmail.com. In the Subject line, mention whether you’re asking Jay or Dave.
Good luck to all of you, and have no fear: I’ll be checking in to make sure neither of my guest columnists is leading you down the path of destruction. But I have a feeling you’ll be in good hands.
